Slow Down! More Years Ahead
People keep telling me to act my age. So last week I went to see my bank manager and asked for a mortgage.
"You want a mortgage?" said my bank manager.
"No, but I was convincing, wasn't I?" I replied.
I have difficulty seeing the attraction of getting older. There was a time when each new year brought a new discovery. The ability to get into X rated films because I looked old enough followed years later by the ability to get in because I was old enough. The keys to the house. My first driving lesson on my 17th Birthday, the very day when it was actually legal for me to drive on the road (negating the need to find kicks in a field outside the village with a friend's dad's beat-up Cortina).
We pack the majority of our learning and new experiences into the first 10 - 15 years of life and spend the rest of it either reacting cynically when what we expected to happen happens or being utterly devastated when it doesn't. Once past the age of consent and buying drinks in a pub, life's milestones become few and far between. Birthdays become events where the only thing celebrated - usually with embarrassment and regret - are numbers: The Big Three-Oh, Four-Oh, Five-Oh. How can life begin at forty when you are entitled to do precisely the same things at 23?
There's nothing new to celebrate or look forward to between the young person's railcard and the OAP bus pass. No new substances to dabble in, places to go or products to buy. For this reason I would like to suggest a few measures are brought in to (a) string out the process of growing up a little longer and (b) introduce a few new special entitlements only available to those of a certain age.
To begin with, late teenagers and early twenty-somethings entering the job market should not be expected to earn any more than a four figure sum for their first year of work. This lowers the risk of burnout, reduces the pressure on them and the sense of jealousy and worthlessness entrepreneurial 16 year olds can generate in people twice their age.
You can rent a land-line telephone at the age of 16 if you really want to but mobile communication licenses will only be available to those over 25. The removal of mobile phones, pagers and the like from this generation will ensure individuals live their lives at a calmer and more appreciative pace. They can get faster as they get older.
To celebrate your tenth year of legal sexual activity, your 26th birthday will be marked by the commencement of a six month period of enforced abstinence. This will either be because you and your partner are far too busy even to see each other or you need to reconsider your promiscuous life style. If this period lasts longer than six months I'm very sorry but it's not my fault.
At the age of 28 you can receive help and guidance from friends, family, caring professionals and personal idols as to what you should do with your life based on what they think you're good at. This is a special measure for those who hit their mid-life crisis early. You can reserve the right to this event until you are 38.
At the age of 30 you can apply for your 'Retro Licence'. This enables you to buy products from earlier in your own life time which remind you of past events. Until this point no one is permitted to indulge in music, films or any other entertainment which does not either have historical significance (created before you were) or is not of the present day. This will prevent young pop stars from doing cover versions of songs which were number one when they were 7. An additional bonus is that people who go and see a film or play more than 5 times in an attempt to grant such productions 'cult status' will be liable for prosecution for sentimentalisation of the present. It will be left to the courts to decide whether digital remastering falls under the definition of 'new' films.
At the age of 35 you will be given the choice of swapping 5 of your current friends with 5 new people from your local area who you don't know. Alternatively you can swap your friends for 3 new people who all know each other and thus provide you with new night life, social circles and gossip.
Only persons of 40 years and over can be refused credit. Up until this point individuals can run up as much debt as they like with no danger of having their cards taken away or the bailiffs sent round. As a rites of passage, 40th birthday parties will feature the 'Credit Burn' where either (i) older friends club together and pay off the debts you owe (ii) credit companies write off your debts and allow you to burn their latest statement.
At the age of 47 you receive your Hoarding Certificate which permits you to walk round supermarkets in search of 'Two for One' offers. Certificate holders are also permitted to chat amongst themselves about the price of everyday household products.
Finally, no one under the age of 63 will be permitted to buy Glacier Mints, wafers or biscuits with the word 'Nice' engraved on them.