It is with a heavy heart, I leave
For the past five years I have been working as the Union area representative of 'All Mod Cons Limited', a prepared foods company based in Lowestoft. In my capacity I have had to handle many disputes between management and employees, customers and employees and employees and employees. In my spare time the company have sponsored me to take an MBA in Human Resource Systems management with the expectation that I would channel my new skills and expertise into All Mod Cons. My MBA has taught me that in today's business world you can only really look out for one person - yourself - and as a result I gave notice to terminate my contract three months ago in order to take up an extremely lucrative contract with Taylor, Breacham and Watt Human Resource System Evaluators, Designers and Implementation Consultants. In truth this was not the only offer I have received for my specialist skills: I have also received offers, nay, begging letters (though I may flatter myself) from Parkhouse Management Development Restructuring and Re-engineering Consultants, Youthful Happy and Dullidge Innovation in Human Resources, Testing and Management consultants and Fairway Re-engineering, Payroll, Reward Enhancement and Fiscal Personnel Property Dealing Consultant consultants.
I chose Taylor Breacham and Watt because they had the least silly name and offered me the most money.
The day after my intention to leave became known the team of workers, over whom I am the team leader, began to make plans concerning my departure. At first they decided upon a whip-round where all personnel would be encouraged to donate £5. It was then pointed out that making such a definite charge may ostracise, worry or intimidate some of the staff who may not wish to make such a donation (my personal popularity not withstanding) or may not be able to afford such an amount (the recent bout of downsizing and redundancies not withstanding).
Someone then suggested the money accumulated in the 'Rainy Day Fund' - a contingency savings account established for recreational purposes with a 12.8% per annual return savings account should be put to this purpose. I instigated this fund myself - an initiative particularly appreciated by Parkhouse Management Development Restructuring and Re-engineering Consults - whom I believe took the idea off me at interview without telling anyone where they got it from.
On the third day after my intention to leave became known my team time-tabled a brain-storming think-in in order to share their individual creative thoughts on the format of my departure without resorting to antagonistic behavioral models. Failing this they democratically elected a board of two people to make arrangements. The voting system for members of this board was questioned and finally resolved by an inter-party inquiry which reported back ten days later having discovered no evidence of vote rigging.
The board suggested a three stage tribute structure in order to encompass the remembrance, thanksgiving and celebration aspects of my departure. In the end only the last element of this plan survived the stringent three stage feedback and re-assessment process. The argument which won the day was that the first two elements of the departure could be included in the third stage through the presentation of a gift by the longest-standing work acquaintance (selected by postal vote if service times are identical) who knew me.
The date was set and then had to be re-set due to training obligations at an external centre and then re-set in order to combine the extended holiday (thanks to bank holiday Monday) although questions were asked as to whether this demeaned the principal reason for the celebration. The party was to be help in meeting room three, but was altered as it was thought to be too impersonal, to meeting room 4. This was later changed by popular consent to Chango's Wine and Cocktail Bar, one of the many neon-adorned popular drinking and eating haunts along Lowestoft's main drag.
On the day of my departure, I interviewed one of the more senior members of my team in my office, an act of multi-tasking as I was packing up my desk at the time. The meeting began with a brisk assessment of my time at the established business of All Mod Cons. We agreed my contribution had not been inconsiderable and that taken as a whole, my impact on the organisation was a positive event, allied with a general improvement in the functioning of the department and a few remarkable improvements in personal performances, self-believes and marital stati. The latter part of the appraisal threatened to overflow into a practical workshop session in order to demonstrate my particularly enviable interpersonnel techniques, however, my colleague at that point decided to follow the line of lamenting my departure.
Between gasps of breath and sobs of tears she explained that the entire department would fall apart without my influence. Moreover, the events which would follow viz a viz my departure celebration activities were nothing but a sham and would certainly be inadequate in reflecting the glories I had delivered. I tried to reassure her that these things happened, but she decided to distance herself from the activities and moreover offered to make up for their inadequacies personally. I explained this would not be necessary.
It was with a heavy heart that I prepared myself for the celebration activities at Chango's Wine and Cocktail Bar. I had been there only once before - strangely enough to celebrate my arrival at the company. I arrived there at the appointed time to find the establishment positively heaving with clientèle. At first I believed the entire staff of All Mod Cons - and one or two from other nationwide branches had perhaps arrived in order to help celebrate my departure. However it soon transpired that our celebrations had coincided with half a dozen birthday celebrations and no less than two stag nights.
After thirty minutes spent pushing through the throng I spied one of my future ex-colleagues at the bar getting a few drinks in. By the time had reached the position at the bar where I had spied him, he had disappeared. From my new position, however I was able to survey more of the bar and located the rest of the party in a far flung corner. After another thirty minutes I managed to reach that location. Many of my colleagues immediately apologised for having selected what was clearly the wrong location for an intimate soirée and farewell celebration. Indeed, the senior team member who had spoken to me earlier that day was now so upset she had to leave.
The second most senior colleague briefed me on the current situation and maintained that there were in fact at least 20 of my close associates dotted around the bar, but they had yet to find this location. I considered myself fortunate, and not a little pioneering, in finding the correct part of the bar. The managing director himself had intended to turn up but sadly had been held up in traffic and had decided to turn back. We agreed this was the best course of action he could have taken.
In the absence of his two superiors it fell to my second most senior colleague to make the presentation to me as a mark of my great commitment and considerable contribution to the company. I must confess I was a little disappoint by his address, although he pointed out he'd have to keep it brief and to the point given the cramped situation and the fact that no one else could hear him apart from myself.
"Everyone at the office have asked me to give you this," he said. "So here it is." And without further ado he presented me with a gold plated tie-pin. I was a little disappointed that the gift was not wrapped in paper but understood that the team had decided to put all the money towards the gift rather than wasting it on showy, but essentially worthless decoration.
At this point it was drawn to my notice that one long time colleague of mine was experiencing difficulty in getting past the doormen and gaining entrance to the party. In the light of this difficulty, my own central position with regard to events and my recent completion of a very useful negotiation module for my MBA I went to the door to see what I could do.
I was informed my colleague could not be admitted due to the fact that he was not dressed suitably. I mentioned, purely to break up the apparent seriousness with which this trivial matter was being treated, that given the crowding inside the bar there was little opportunity that anyone's trousers would be on view. The doorman was adamant however and claimed that rules were in fact rules. Using my new skills I was able to persuade the doorman that the regulation which he was upholding was highly commendable, but noted it would indeed be even more impressive if he were to take responsibility upon himself and apply the one strict rule in a discriminatory manner. At first, the doorman threatened physical violence, but on reflection agreed with my idea that he was indeed worth more.
Sadly, by this time my jean-entrousered friend felt he had used up all his patience and would go next door to the Jolly Boatman. There was plenty of room there, he explained and he would be there if anyone wanted to talk to him. I spent the next 30 minutes returning to my seat. A few of my colleagues had left by this time - or had become part of the anonymous mass of people in the main body of the room. One of the few remaining asked to see the god tie-pin since they had donated funds but had not had the chance to see the result.
Despite several thorough and frantic searches of the immediate surroundings I could not locate the tie-pin.
After that I believe I simply drank an awful lot of alcohol and as a result can remember nothing further.