Stupid, Stupid Game
I've always thought the vast majority of sports were dumb. Football, for example only works because the players can't run as fast as the ball they kick. If everyone would just accept we all have different physical capabilities we could do away with athletics and gymnastics completely. In motor racing a bunch of idiots who've twigged the pointlessness of running around a track fail to realise it's equally stupid just to drive around it. Were they so disappointed with their running speed they had to cheat?
In the last six months I've discovered physical exercise itself is pretty dumb. I've started going down the local gym. This isn't through any need to keep my body from falling apart as I approach the big 30, but because sufficient time has now elapsed for me to bury my horrific memories of PE at school.
On a positive note, I have overcome my fear of treadmills. I've always stepped warily around the psychopathic conveyor-belts in favour of the sit-down 'n' fold-up rowing machine. Nice rowing machine. Rowing machine that's close to the ground so if you fall off you don't hurt yourself (much). Rowing machine that doesn't set the pace or throw you off in a heap if you can't keep up. One of the most terrifying things about treadmills are that they always stand opposite a line of mirrors. There's no way I'm going to watch myself jog. I've always thought I run funny.
However, the fear has been conquered, and, thanks to building work, the gym has been rearranged so the treadmills no longer face the mirrors. Naturally, the treadmill I chose for my virgin voyage was the one farthest away from everyone else so no one else would laugh at the way I ran or sabotage my workout by switching the programme to fast.
Running is not only a dumb activity it's extremely hard work. Why run when every fibre in your body is telling you to stop and duck into the nearest pub to get your breath back? But as the treadmill and I approached 12 - don't know if that's kilometres or miles an hour as I don't understand the LED display - I gained a further insight into why running was so stupid.
Treadmills don't go anywhere. When you go out jogging, the more you run away from home the longer it will take you to get back. You might think you're about to beat your personal best, but in fact you're simply prolonging the agony and postponing the moment when you can relax in the bath. Treadmills have this great button marked "Stop". Hit it and you can be in the shower in seconds. The person next to you will notice you've bailed out after only 50 metres, but as I said I chose the treadmill farthest from everyone else.
The second and more important revelation was that you don't need to run on a treadmill at all. I used to believe that in order to run, I had to push the ground away from my heels as I moved forward, but here I was simply stepping over the track as it whizzed past.
Most people will tell you running is simply a speeded up version of walking. This could be considered dangerous given that walking itself is a process of continually almost falling over but not quite. When you walk you shift your centre of gravity forwards, off-balancing yourself in that direction. If you didn't break the fall by putting out a foot you'd be flat on your face. (Try it for yourself if you really want to look an idiot.) Having broken that fall you start falling forwards again and break that fall with your other foot. Imagine doing that at a speed greater than walking pace and you can see why running should be banned as a dangerous sport.
What the treadmill offered was a safe and easy alternative. I wasn't actually running, I was merely hopping from one leg to the other very quickly before my feet were pulled from under me. Easy and painless (well, almost) but most importantly, the treadmill does the hard work of moving the ground for you.
The only game I've encountered that is not dumb is squash. Admittedly any game played by people who need rackets because their arms aren't long enough is a bit stupid, but squash's 'un-dumbness' lies behind why it is favoured by aspiring businessmen and women. Name one other game gives you the perfect opportunity to ingratiate yourself with your boss. If you're playing a team game - football, cricket, water polo - it's unlikely that your boss will even condescend to play on your side - or against you. If he does you'll find it extremely difficult to 'accidentally' give the ball away to him, fail to save his weedy shot, or compliment him on his skill and technique without your team mates substituting you in the first minutes.
In squash you can make him look good and acknowledge how good you think he is. Miss an easy shot, go the wrong way, enthusiastically run into the back wall - each time, return to the starting position shaking your head and grimacing, affirming how he won't get away with it this time. And then you let him win it anyway because he's *so* good. Furthermore, this can all take place in the privacy of one white walled room so no one else can vomit at the level of sycophancy you're employing.
Of course, the other smart thing about squash is that it's the only ball sport where you don't have to walk miles to retrieve errant balls.