Twenty Things I Wish I hadn't Done by the Time I was Thirty.
1: Sung 'money in my pocket but I just can't get your love' to a girl I had a crush on in primary school while walking home. It's not just the naffness of the song or the fact that I was singing it in front of loads of other people at the same time, thus embarrassing her further, but that I had already completely bollocked up my chances of being her boyfriend anyway: Her best friend had come over to me during play time and said "You know, Tracey kind of... likes you." to which I replied "What a coincidence, cos I like me too." Thought it was clever at the time. It wasn't.
2: Developed a massive crush on a completely unobtainable girl at comprehensive school. On one occasion walked home, leapt on bike and cycled 2 miles just to be 'casually' pedaling past her house when she got home. Didn't actually get the final bit of timing right. Ended up lovelorn and sweaty - very attractive.
3: Invited a bunch of my college friends back to my mum and dad's house for New Year celebrations. They were absolutely no problem whatsoever, but when we got back to college they obviously thought my parents had not approved of them being around.
4: Pretended to understand pub conversations when I can't even hear what they're saying. And it is this more than the consequences which are embarrassing. Agreeing to do a karoake duet of Summer Loving is worse that being roped into it.
5: Quit a pop band prior to a big gig because I found out they were going to throw me out of the band after the gig was over. It was more than a bit of a rock n roll act - they thought I couldn't sing and had forgotten that I'd actually put this band together in the first place. Hell, I could have quit on stage for Christ's sake. Imagine the publicity.
6: Called over the supervisor during a telesales job when a possible client appeared more interested in having a man come round to see her than the fitted kitchen I was trying to sell. Purely because had I arranged a call I'd have made an extra £5.00.
7: Lied about my age to a girl. I said I was older than I was. This actually earned me a stunning present for my 17th birthday, pre-empting the one I said I was having by 4 years.
8: Lied about my age to a policeman. Even though I had to because I was with my girlfriend.
9: Lied about my age unintentionally. About a week after the event I suddenly realised I'd told my girlfriend off for telling her friend I was a year older than I was. I wasn't.
10: Continued to live in a flat infested with cockroaches. They appeared around the time of the release of Dave Cronenberg;'s Naked Lunch film. Memo to self: always spend money on the important things in life.
11: Said hello to a celebrity in a bad time. example: Mark E. Smith in the Hacienda nightclub. You know how it is when your mate says 'That's Mark E Smith over there' and you don't believe him so just to find out... Well anyway, I've now stopped the disastrous practice of celebrity baiting. Watching Mark's head turn and register deep embittered disappointment is worse that when you click at a cat and then pretend it wasn't you when they look up.
12: Invited the unobtainable girl from comprehensive school to a theatre performance of mine so I could impress her with a tour behind the scenes afterwards. It's a bit tricky this one, but basically boils down to having to go all round the houses and asking her best mate to come and 'bring a friend' cos I couldn't actually face asking her myself. THEN having to pay for both of them to come and see it because going round this houses meant I failed to use the complimentary tickets I was going to and still I got off with neither of them.
13: Had such disastrous hair for so long. It was years before I realised I could get my hair cut differently, have a side parting instead of a pudding bowl haircut. Could dye my hair and the world wouldn't tell me where to go.
14: Sent a valentine's tape and message to the unobtainable girl from comprehensive school. Not least because the following year I sent a similar message also made up from newspaper cut up test and thus enabling someone else to draw the line between those two points. (and by the way, what was I thinking sending a Valentine's message in cut up newspaper - the form reserved for disturbing ransom notes and messages from psychopaths? Hello, I love you, Be Very Afraid.)
15: Claimed I'd never perform a song by Dire Straits and then three year later perform a song by Dire Straits. We wore knitted head bands in an ironic way so maybe it doesn't count.
16: Admitted to not knowing what drugs were. Well, I knew what they were, I just had an upbringing where no one was taking them. (Or maybe they were and I was so naive...) Later discovered other people my age had extensive knowledge of what they were and subsequently lost such credibility that she wouldn't sleep with me.
17: Admitted that I was a virgin. "You'll regret you said that in the morning" she said. And I did.
18: Lived with five student lawyers. On a good day it was like 'This Life'. There were no good days.
19: Flirted with so many different styles. At least if you're going to get into New Romantics, Gothic Rock, or Punk you should at least have the guts to go the whole hog. No one respects someone who tries to keep in with each sect. No one understands either.
20: Decided at the age of fourteen that I'd do everything I'd always wanted to do by the age of forty and then kill myself. It's not looking all that far away any more.