Simon Kent - Inventor Extraordinaire
I have this theory that ideas are part of the atmosphere. As soon as you have an idea it is jettisoned from your head and mixes around in the ether, accessible to everyone else who happens to be tuned into the same wavelength. For this reason, whenever I have a good idea I have to act upon it immediately before some one else nicks it and makes a fortune.
This isn't paranoia. I have practical experience dating from childhood. For the last thirty years I have either been extremely lucky with my predictions or I have been the originator of huge movements in music, style and culture in general.
World of Pop (1): In 1981 at the age of 12, I invented grunge. I did this with an electric guitar bought from the Tescos superstore at the Western Favell centre in Northampton. (Details crucial to credibility - ask any Pop Music Historian). The guitar retailed for only £25.00 and naturally I painted it black as soon as I got it home. A couple of months later (having skimped on school dinner money) I bought a small practice amp from the Tandy shop. This plastic, battery driven black box had a plug-in jack socket and a volume control and nothing else. With such equipment I'd soon created my own original sound. Fuzzed out of existence chords with lots of shouting over the top of it.
One of the main drivers behind this sound were my guitar playing skills which had atrophied at primary school. This was thanks to the guidance of my music teacher who, approaching retirement age and senility, failed to notice that I was playing the same three chord song each week, claiming it was all she had set me last week.
World of Pop (2): 1984 and I created House music with a strange music centre which combined the following components: A radio, a cassette player, a keyboard (labeled 'organ', able to produce one sound, with the option of tremolo) and a drum machine. Actually drum machine is a bit of an over statement - it was a rhythm unit with the pre-set programmes of Bossa-Nova, Rock n Roll and Samba. The best feature of the unit (aside from the radio aerial which doubled as a microphone) was individual volume controls for the rhythm section, keyboard and tape deck. This enabled me to mix out of one beat, keep the rhythm pounding with a neat bass riff on the organ, slam on the tremolo, grab a snatch of whatever was on the tape deck and bring back the drum machine. Seamless. Extra credibility for doing all the above and seg-waying into the Top 40 Countdown on Radio 1.
World of Pop (3): In 1986 I discovered Jungle, a full 6 years before anyone else had heard of it. Looking back it was an inevitable progression: I turned the rhythm unit to Bossa-Nova and increased the tempo to maximum.
World of Style (1): When I was 6 years old I discovered Feng Shui through experimentation with my Lego set. One of my favourite past times was building hotels - just the ground plan showing walls, corridors, rooms, windows and beds. In each bedroom I ensured the bed faced the doorway. To me this was necessary in case any monsters, ghosts or attackers happened to be around at the time - it gave you a head start to get out the window. In fact, this alignment ensured the correct positive energy flow throughout the building.
World of Style (2): To this day I remain unimpressed by ripped jeans, skirts for men and heroin chic: Scruffy five year old playing on allotments, gender identity crisis at 12, gastro-enteritis at 14.
World of Animation: With only the contents of my pencil case I pioneered Science-Fiction film and TV 'flight' sequences where our hero's space craft is seen to dock with the mother ship. Closing one eye it was possible to get the camera angles precisely right while the sound track and dialogue in my head suggested trouble was waiting for the air hatches to open. I shall never forget my seminal 'compass and protractor' routine, later ripped off by George Lucas in Star Wars.
World of Horror: I pre-empted Steven King in determining that kid's toys could become possessed and scare the life out of you. Between the ages of 5 and 10 I used to make stuffed toys. On one occasion, I mis-sewed a rabbit, tacking his ear to the seam across his head and created a creature so disturbing I could neither love him for his pitiful looks nor throw him out since I was convinced he'd come back to get me later.
World of Literature: Finally, my extensive diary collection - detailing my every move and almost every thought from the age of 12 to 24 provides irrefutable evidence that it was I who first hit upon the idea of writing about myself in the belief that my life was interesting enough for other people to pay me loads of money to read about it. I am a little embarrassed about this contribution. Countless giants of literature penned their autobiographies ages ago, but I feel personally responsible for Nick Hornby, Bridgit Jones and a number of columnists in the national papers. I shall make it my mission to rectify this. Read my column next week to find out how.
Not everything I've thought of has been taken up by other practitioners. I am particularly relieved no one ever took any notice of my TV variety show idea, set in a live theatre with a revolving stage and featuring a presenter dressed in a chicken costume.
Hello? Is that ITV2?