Oedipus Buys A Mother's Day Card
by simon kent
"Dear Mother;
I bought this card to give to you
To fill your day with Joy!
For you have always loved me true,
This is your special Day!
"It doesn't quite have the right ring to it," Oedipus muttered to Teiresias in the card shop. Teiresias sighed: "Telling mother how much you love her has always been a problem for men. It's something to do with the latent sexual possibilities - not that I can speak from personal experience. Doubt if you'd have the same problem with your father. If you hadn't killed him, that is."
"This is all a gimmick, isn't it?" Oedipus exclaimed.
"Not necessarily - think of Mother Earth. Wholesome Nature and so on..."
"'To the World's most Wonderful Mother - Two sugars, please.' I don't understand that, Terry."
"I remember a deputation at the Oracle who were trying to discover who was to succeed Tarquin at Rome, and the Oracle said: 'He who should first kiss his mother.' Janius Brutus instantly throws himself down and kisses the soil saying: 'Thus I kiss thee, Mother Earth.' Voom! He's made the first Consul of Rome."
"They fell for that? Does history recall Mrs Brutus's reaction?"
"The text has some obscurities - different versions of the same thing. Take your own biography: King Arthur was begotten by a father who impersonated his mother's lover and ended up committing incest with his sister. It's legendary stuff - the course of fate, universal occurrences. Stories only last because they affect the family. Mums, dads - can't get away from them. Look at soap operas - stories about long lost parents rivet three million a week."
"My parents sent me away so I wouldn't affect their lives - fat lot of good that did."
"Don't blow it out of proportion. I blame Freud. What's the big deal? You love your mother - she gave you life, isn't it only natural to want to, er..."
"Love her..?
"Love her - yeah. Gimmick or not, it's no good when you can't even say thank you without someone accusing you of impropriety. I bet DH Lawrence never had a problem choosing a Mother's Day card - it's healthy! Shows you care!"
"I've been trying to think of a good present, something to tell her how much I love her," said Oedipus, "Something original. I suppose a condom's out of the question?"
"I'm trying to teach you platonic love! All you need is something to say thank you. You've got to see your mother as a separate woman - appreciate the things she decides to do for you. She's not your property and she's certainly not your slave."
"Medea wasn't exactly a wonderful mother, was she?" noted Oedipus.
"All the motherhood myths detract from the practicalities," countered Teiresias, "I bet they were written by men. Why can't you get your head round the concept of natural child birth?"
"But I'm a victim of fate! Everyone says so."
"Give me a break: You can't give birth, therefore mum must be a witch with enough apron-strings to string up an entire army. You wouldn't want to stay in the villa all day while Antigone vomits over the sofa, would you?"
"Well..."
"Buy the card. It's an official recognition of your mother's importance to you, Anything else would hurt her."
"Phil Collins sang about that, didn't he," said Oedipus. "'Now I won't hurt you Mama - but it's getting me so...? So what, exactly?"